**BREAKING** More Big Bullshit On The Way

Having opened a can of worms throughout the corridors of mainstream media, the official offices of bullshit find themselves inundated by an inordinate amount of self identified BS.

In an extraordinary move to arrest this movement of bull crap returning on themselves, all main media outlets have been ordered to throw out into the public arena anything that stinks to high heaven, in the hope the public will lick it up and swallow it.

When approached for comment, an unidentified, self isolated spokesperson for Mainstream Mud Throwers, admitted the demands of Governments, corporate organisations with financial interest in this chaos, had exceeded even the industry’s ability to generate bullshit on the scale now demanded.

Meanwhile, in a backwater or relative calm – Henley-on-Thames in the county of Berkshire UK,  a gallant group of oldies prepare their collective funeral pyres for imminent demise, so wilfully demanded from them by the Tory government. Having voted Tory all their lives, it seemed only rational for them to follow orders and vote their own deaths.

When approached for comment, we were confronted by beatific smiles of righteousness and resignation to the inevitable. One ‘crinkly‘ slipped out from the meeting to brilliantly observe – “We’re doing this for King and country, you know“. When reminded we had a queen on the throne, not a King, our whistleblower looked truly confused and hobbled off towards the River Thames. Later the local constabulary informed us, her body had been recovered downstream, ruling out foul play.

Across the pond The Orange One has been opening his orifice in public, more than one time too many. Having already shaken hands with those infected with fecal matter, he announced a new drive to isolate the USA from foreign incoming feces, no matter what colour it was.

A White House press spokesperson refused to comment whether there could now be a run on toilet paper in the United States. He did confirm Brazil had offered to cut down more acres of trees for the purposes of supplying greater quantities of toilet rolls to an already swelling corporate bathroom bonanza, denying it would affect the climate.

China meanwhile quietly oversees its return to normal as measures to contain an unprecedented “bio warfare attack” from the US show good signs of success. Iran, still recovering from a unique strain of this weapon thrown at it, has asked both Russia and China to aid its recovery.

The financial markets have over the last 48 hours played a masterful game of snakes and ladders with totally manipulated stock and toxic derivatives. The urgency to throw money at the self created problem will, as always, benefit the personal holdings of the few ‘owners’. Media outlets have doubled down on software  producing the most eye catching graphics. Two companies in particular have seen their value shoot through the glass ceiling. Both Wowser Inc and Shoot4theMoon have tabled extraordinary results for the past two weeks.

In an unprecedented and rare appearance, the Prime Minister of the UK, Boorish Jonsun has appeared in holographic form, simultaneously petting a dog, donating a slobbering kiss to an unwarranted infant and picking his nose, in defiance of hands-off-face imprecations from the British Health Foundation. The infant  was later recorded admitting to never vote for baby slayers and Tories, once it achieved voting age. BetsRUs, the national bookies, swiftly opened a book on that child’s chances of reaching voting age, recording its chances at 300-1.

Italy meanwhile has recorded, for the first time in its plague infested present dilemma, the greatest increase in pasta production, since the 1918 bother. Pope Francis, retreating to his summer residence, earlier than usual, begged all good Catholics to donate a half of their stay at home support funds to children in Bolivia, Korea and the favelas of Sao Paulo and Rio da Janeiro.

Finally news just in shows a massive spike in sales of “Self Isolation Packs” across the world. The CEO of the company already ahead of its own profit margins, Mr Bill Gates, announced these empty boxes containing clear and present instructions within, would enable the world to be saved from the bank breaking social care needed for all people over 50 and babies. He stated further:
“The empty promise of life as a right, is a far too overrated thing in a world desperately in need of depopulation. Our Self Isolating Packs will ultimately enable many millions to die alone and swiftly without the nurture of family, community or any care whatsoever. Something we have been working on for many decades”

 

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